Updated: Sep 14, 2021
Going back, I had 4 years in recovery when Stephanie admitted that she was addicted to drugs. I was in that state of "complacency", dealing with life on life's terms, living each day one day at a time, until the day that heroin took her life. Nothing could have prepared me for that day. I was in-consolable. I never was able to tell her that I forgave her. I was never able to say goodbye. I was utterly devastated. She was my best friend.
Steph always said she was proud of the way I owned my past addiction, making no excuses, moving forward. I was proud of myself too, although it hasn't been an easy journey. It is at those times when I begin to see more "dark" than "light", that I look for Stephanie. I look for the comfort of the other "pea in my pod". I talk to her (sometimes out loud). Heck, sometimes I even yell! I know she isn't far from me. I find her in her daughters laughter, I find her in my mannerisms, I find her in our family, and in the butterflies (her favorite) that visit us so that we may remember her. I find her in a certain song, tv show, movie, and when I see certain foods/snacks. I find her in silly songs and games. Never far away. Always with us. She lives on in us; the people who loved her most; Stephanie's ghost... Stephanie's spirit. Again, always with us and still continuing to help me in my recovery.